NIGER—On Oct. 4, four American soldiers died in an ambush in Niger after attending a meeting with local officials near the border between Niger and Mali. Reports say that one of them may have been bound and executed. We still don’t know what their mission was, what our mission is in Niger or why they were placed in such a vulnerable situation or by whom.
LONDON—One of the United Kingdom’s princely parasites has proposed to his American actress girlfriend. Find new footage, devote two to three segments of the week’s morning shows to this non-event.
WEST TEXAS—Two U.S. Border Patrol agents were injured, one fatally, in a mysterious incident on Nov. 19. We still don’t know the cause. It was originally reported as an “ambush” – of never-explained type – and then there was speculation that maybe their vehicle was side-swiped on a lonely stretch of Interstate highway. The president – one who never wants to talk gun control after a mass shooting – immediately tweeted for a border wall to stop such whatever-it-was incidents.
LONDON—The young American soon-to-be royal will leave her TV show
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Senate passes a tax cut plan so hastily written that no one has time to read it. Said proposal will add $1 trillion to $1.4 trillion to the national deficit that Republicans claim they want to reduce. There’s just no comparison between debt reduction – or any other issue – and the main GOP priority of making the rich richer at the expense of everybody else.
LONDON—The princely parasite’s brother has announced how happy he is that his little brother has found the woman of his dreams.
SALT LAKE CITY—President Trump carves away huge chunks of always-federal national monument land to open them to exploitation by Greed’s Own Polluters.
LONDON—The coat the American starlet wore as she and the parasite prince announced their engagement has flown off the shelves, sold out.
WASHINGTON—America’s accused-sexual-predator-in-chief has fully endorsed an oft-accused child molester for the senate. The candidate’s wife, who doesn’t realize she married her stalker, stands by her man.
LONDON—Most blokes and blokettes in the U.K. have expressed support and happiness over the younger princely parasite’s engagement. Fuddy-duddies who complain that she is an actress, divorced, mix-raced and, worst of all, an American have been shouted down.
WASHINGTON—The Environmental Polluters’ Appeasers announces that future energy developers – such as those about to be unleashed into fragile, historic and sacred-to-some former national monument areas – will no longer have to be able to prove that they can afford to clean up the messes they create. They can revert to the plunder, pollute and pull-out policies that made their company’s rich and left abandoned communities devastated.
DUNCAN—If one local columnist weren’t so cheap, he’d throw an empty coffee cup through his 40-year-old TV at the continuous coverage of the English royal soap opera. The English throne has been irrelevant to Usonians since 1776. Actually, it has been irrelevant to everyone since the Hanovers wandered over from Germany earlier that century.
(Gary Edmondson is Stephens County Democratic Party Chair.)